Prom at the zoo? This sounds like an SNL skit. Honestly, that’s the first place our minds went when we heard this was an actual option for prom next school year. We figured it had to be some sort of joke or rumor that some student with too much time on their hands came up with just to mess with people. Then we received an email asking us to vote on whether we should go to Brookfield Zoo instead of a banquet hall. Really? People are genuinely considering this? Well, in that case, let us talk you out of it.

Staff Editorial

Animals smell. Sorry if someone can interpret that as politically incorrect, but it’s true. They don’t create deodorant or cologne for giraffes, so after standing in the hot sun for literally the entire day, they don’t exactly smell like roses. We wouldn’t either, to be fair, but still. We can’t exactly blame anyone for that, but it makes prom at the zoo less appealing.

The smell isn’t a deal breaker in itself necessarily, but if there are options that don’t smell like sweat and dung, shouldn’t we go with that one? We’re sure the banquet halls smells wonderful, at least compared to an alpaca.

Now the animal smell could be tolerable, but we are completely at the mercy of the elements. If we were inside of a banquet hall, some unpleasant weather wouldn’t affect our fun at all. Imagine what would happen if, say, the wind started blowing, which is not too far fetched. All that money you just spent on doing your hair will be wasted.

What would happen if it started raining? Then, we wouldn’t get to see most of the animals

because we’d be ushered inside if prom was still happening that day anyway. We’d have paid a significant amount just to receive none of the benefits of the zoo or the other two options. Or would prom be cancelled completely and we’d have wasted money on hair and makeup appointments to stay home? Would it be rescheduled? Would that change the price? Would we have to schedule another makeup appointment or rent another tux on a different day? Personally, we aren’t fans of having so many variables, in math or in real life. I like dependability. We want to know for sure what is happening before we invest so much money for one night.

In addition, prom is supposed to be a somewhat romantic venue for a majority of couples, and we doubt too many people can fully appreciate the beauty and wonder of their date with a llama bleating next to their face. Now, animals are great and whimsical and all, but are they really romantic?

Besides, isn’t prom supposed to be a dance? Where are we supposed to dance? Inside the monkey cage? Anyone up for doing the crocodile with real live crocodiles? Let’s do the flamingo flamenco! How about the funky monkey? Oh wait, that’s a real dance move? Huh… Who knew?

We’ve heard people say that it would be a nice change of pace from the traditional banquet hall, but why change what ain’t broke?

While we aren’t the first to make this comparison, prom at the zoo is like communism. While it sounds great on paper, it isn’t so fantastic in execution.