Liam’s Tragedy of the Month

‘Movies are bad and so are jobs’

Liam McCarthy, Sectional Editor

As a handful of you may know, I work at a movie theatre, which means two things: customers being annoying, and I get to see a lot of movies for free.

As you could imagine, I see a lot of movies which has led me to the conclusion that all movies are garbage.

Let us go through the movie experience for a normie okay? You walk in, spend half your paycheck on a movie ticket, spend the rest on popcorn, go in with half a smile and a pinch of hope, but regret because you do not know if you just put yourself in debt for a sucky movie. Then you walk out at the end of it pissed off because you remembered, “Oh yeah, movies suck.”

See lucky for me, I do not have that problem. If it is garbage, I just walk out with nothing lost except my valuable time.

Working at a movie theater keeps my mind engaged, but my bank account sad. When I walk into work, I never know what kind of crap I am going to have to put up with. We have some regulars that come in weekly, and there is one in particular that every time I hear his voice, I am ready to hang up my apron and never look back…  His name is Poster Guy.

Poster Guy is a middled-aged man with a small screw loose that will see 10 minutes of three different movies then just walk out. He calls every single day and has a poster fetish. Yes, he calls every single day. It is so annoying when I pick up that phone and hear that stupid voice asking for a manager and every time I ask who it is he always says, “I’m a customer.” Oh, really dude? My bad, I thought you were freaking god! He knows if he says who he really is, he would get an earful of hang up.

A week ago, I had to put the posters up, and guess who showed up? Poster Magee himself. He literally follows me around and watches me put posters up, which is creepy already, but what is really messed up is he bounces his body up and down while he is watching and makes this god awful high pitched moaning noise. I don’t know if that is his way of getting off, or if he is trying to summon something? I don’t know, but it’s messed up.

You know who else is awful? Everyone. E-v-e-r-y-o-n-e. Let me rant for a second. If you come up to me asking for two tickets but don’t say the movie title, you’re awful. If you don’t pick up your garbage at the end of the show, you’re awful. If you come in looking to see “The Hitman’s Bodyguard” and ask, “one for ‘The Hitman’,” you’re awful. Don’t be awful, and don’t bother me.

If anyone out there is looking for a part time job, apply to work at the movies. Good job, bad paycheck.