Blinking: Evolutionary danger to humanity

Danny Kummer, Sectional Editor

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How many times have you blinked today? What’s that? You don’t know? It’s a pointless question? There is nothing further from the truth. Blinking is an evolutionary flaw that humans have had for as long as we can we remember, and it will be our very downfall.

Each time you blink is one moment that anything can happen without you being aware of it. For example, theoretically, if everyone blinked at the same time the world could blow up in an instant without anyone noticing, or maybe cats will finally become dominant and take over the world just like that. We are all in danger; though you may believe that the world is bad now, how will it feel when the next time you blink, you open your eyes and see the world dominated by beavers?

Our future beaver overlords will prevent us from roasting marshmallows on an open campfire because they need the wood for shelter. A world without roasted marshmallows is not one that anyone would want to live in. Society itself would crumble because the very animals we previously thought to be cute and harmless would rule over us with an iron fist. It all started with a simple blink.

“It is an intriguing thought, and with a simple estimate I can confirm that a world ruled by beavers would deplete the world’s supply of wood extremely quickly,” noted natural science expert Bartholemew Kyetzniamoffe.

“The scientific community and the world must know about the threat of blinking, for they are way too caught up in some asteroid that might collide with the Earth,” added Kyetzniamoffe. Even though there was never any form of physical documentation regarding the legitimacy of his expertise, Kyetzniamoffe seemed to know what he was talking about.

The human race is bound to fall at some point, and with the amount of times all humans blink per day, it makes it all the more likely that any sort of animal will take advantage of us. Since you’ve started reading this article, you have blinked about 14 times. That is 14 chances that the human race has been susceptible to being overthrown by an unlikely foe, our animal brethren.

I sat with blinker and non-believer sophomore Kevin Clauson. In his statement he said, “I have better things to be doing. Why am I talking to you? I’m allergic to marshmallows. Why does that even matter?” Clauson continued to say “Beavers don’t even have opposable thumbs. They don’t have the mental capacity for something like that.” Unfortunately, Clauson mysteriously disappeared after the interview. His final inquiry on the matter was “Wait? What’s that scratching on the door?” Clauson has not been seen since.

The only way to prevent this takeover from happening is to stop blinking. Spread the word on the street. Tell a neighbor or a friend. Blinking will be our downfall, and we can only prevent this by stopping immediately. Consider this article as a first step, and remember my warning, for every blink is one moment that could change the very fate of humanity.

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